drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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