My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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