I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Randomize
