Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
