This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
