my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
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