made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
