I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
