We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
