she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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