went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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