Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
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