I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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