Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
