Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
