do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
she smelled like a LAN party
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Randomize
