no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
