yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
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Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
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His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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