3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
