How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Randomize
