u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
