He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
