Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
