Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
