new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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