I smell stomach acid.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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