after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
