I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
