Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
