corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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