Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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