My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
