hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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