Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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