id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
