Church boner. Awkwardddd
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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