Welp...herpes.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
