Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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