new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
