Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
