my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
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Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
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it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
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