Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
