Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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