If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
