she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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