Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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