I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
