so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
