Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
