I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
