did you get engaged???
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
