Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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