My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
We just shotgunned beers for America
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
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