What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
