Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
