all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
