you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
