Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
