u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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