She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Randomize
