I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
