You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
