I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
